Those are the opening remarks of the digital media press release. Out of courtesy to the charities supported by the CD, you will only find the press pablum almost anywhere you look on the internet.

I’m not so charitable.

There are only two good things I can say about this CD: Sophia Loren is the first female narrator I’ve heard for Peter and the Wolf, and she adds a delightful dimension to an otherwise mundane-bordering-on-goofy interpretation of Prokofiev’s classic, introduction to the orchestra for children. The RNO’s musical performance is clean, well executed, and classically European in interpretation. Had Sophia Loren been present for the taping of the music, I’m certain the orchestra would have flavored their music to match the kind, gentile, and sensual dimension Ms. Loren adds. Unfortunately, the music is rather bland and generic.

What makes this version of Peter and the Wolf goofy, though, is the fact that the producer chose to dub actual bird chirping into the tract. I find this idea an absurd compromise of the original work of art, which intends to teach children how to identify musical instruments by having the instruments produce sounds within rhythmic and melodic themes that echo or suggest animals (bird, duck, wolf, cat) and humans (Peter, Grandfather, the hunters). Adding the bird sound effects is confusing to the uninitiated listener and a slap at the work itself. Duh!

The other good thing I can say about this CD is that since The American Academy of Pediatricians recently recommended that parents stop using syrup of ipecac to induce vomiting, this CD may be an effective replacement. Perhaps a bit of a strong statement, but consider the following attributes the listener has to endure:

• Introduction by Mikhail Gorbachev, speaking platitudes in Russian, that are translated into English every 10th word. So you get a few seconds of unintelligible Gorby, then pablum, more Gorby, more pablum, ad nauseam. “Perhaps,” you think, “I should know where I can get a bucket if needed.”
  
  
• Then Sophia Loren’s voice begins: “Are you sitting comfortably? Then I shall begin!” This is a graceful beginning, typical of Ms. Loren, and you think, “Well maybe that squeamishness I felt is just a passing event, perhaps a bit of under done potato...”.
  
  
• Then you hear birds chirping. Not the flute, the sound of real birds. Then “The Bird” character enters the story and you hear the flute, which now does not sound to you like birds because you just heard real birds and they are quite different in pitch, tone, rhythm. “Hmmm...” you think. “Maybe I am getting dizzy.”
  
  
• But Ms Loren is seductive and enticing and you continue to listen. As the story unfolds you think, “Well, she make’s it worthwhile,” and you are correct. Sophia Loren makes all previous narrators sound sterile– she is that good, that unpretentious. The story unfolds and you are totally charmed by her voice as again the Wolf eats the Duck, Peter catches the Wolf, and the Hunters bumble onto the scene to take the Wolf away, in a grand procession. Ahh, life is good and makes sense once more.
  
  
• Then Uncle Gorby comes back, ten words at a time, and you look around again for that bucket while Gorby coughs out more platitudes to set the stage for our Hero, former President Billy Boy Clinton, who will narrate Wolf Tracks, by Jean-Pascal Beintus.
  
  
• [An aside by this reviewer: I don’t know, but I suspect, that Ms. Loren, or her agent, only agreed to participate in this project on the condition that she get to Narrate Peter, because even her talent cannot redeem this piece of &*%$#]
  
  
• Reach for the bucket now, and not because Billy Boy is a bad narrator– he’s OK, which in a way is high praise, considering that in this venue he gets compared with professional actors who usually get the nod for these narrations. And not because the Russian National Orchestra could not play Wolf Tracks– they are OK too.
  
  
• No, you want to reach for the bucket because the narrative script to Wolf Tracks is just plain awful. It’s preachy, simplistic, unbelievable, and stupid. The story is a loose allegory of man’s destruction of the environment, a retelling of Peter and the Wolf in a more modern setting where the Wolf allows itself to be caught to save it’s pups, where Peter has an epiphany and learns that his actions are evil, and that his best choice in life is to leave nature to nature, as Grandfather keeps telling him. [ Breathe deep, don’t look, don’t listen, just rinse your mouth and ears.]
  
  
• And the music? It’s written more as an underscore to a movie than as a piece unto itself. One cannot listen to Peter and The Wolf without being moved by the music. The distinctive melodies rouse one’s spirit, stay in one’s mind, because the words, the narration, are intended to support the music. But not Wolf Tracks– here, the music is intended to remain in the background, which is unfortunate, because the words are simply atrocious.
  
  
• And just when you thought you were out of the metaphorical woods, here’s Uncle Gorby again, still ten words at a time, to explain it all to you.

Sorry folks. This does not add up to an integrated work of art or entertainment that one wants in one’s library. The best use I can suggest for this is a stocking stuffer for Ambassadors at the UN. Besides, with all the BS that floats around there, I’m sure they always know where the bucket is.